strange radiation: the pool of radiance archive

Adventures with an unreliable narrator.

Oct 15 04: kitsch me, you fool

It started innocently enough. My new computer monitor finally arrived on Wednesday, and at the bottom of the box was a promotional flyer. Hardly unusual: if somebody’s buying a computer monitor, you’ve obviously got a great chance to target them with ads for oh, games or external drives or wireless keyboards or whatever. But that’s not what the ad was for.

Woof. It was for Season of the Wolf. A “bold Native American style collectible replica ceremonial tomahawk, featuring the thrilling wolf art of famed artist Al Agnew on its blade.” Which you could also describe as “a deathless masterpiece of brain-melting pseudo-romanto-Injun kitsch.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, so I figured I’d share it with you, dear readers, instead.

Of course, once I’d discovered the site, how could I not browse the aisles? And I’m so glad I did, because if I hadn’t I’d never have discovered Elvis as a Dog. Or the cutesy-boo snowmen or the snuggy-wuggy Wizard of Oz set or, God help me, Mary’s Moo-Moos Go to War. I’d have missed the Irish Angel and the ’70s Mommy Angel (complete with Bette Midler soundtrack!), the Coca-Cola™ Cruiser and the hypersaccharine My Little Pony knock-offs. I would have missed the Symbols of Enduring Freedom, without which I might never have gotten over 9/11. (“An awe-inspiring testament to the combined pride, dignity, and honor of all Americans.” Honey, I have way more dignity than this thing, and this is me we’re talking about.)

It should surprise nobody that Thomas Kinkade— the Painter of Light, the Gate and the Guardian of the Gate—is all over the place in this thing. My personal favorite is the Porcelain Night Before Christmas House. It’s “inspired by the heartwarming charm of Thomas Kinkade art and a holiday classic, the beloved ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas poem.” The rooms light up, one by one, as the voice of Thomas Kinkade himself actually reads you the beloved ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas poem! “You’ll love watching the rapt expressions of your family and friends as they experience this exclusive limited-edition Thomas Kinkade collectible story house,” they tell us.

Boy, I’ll bet.

Anyway, go thou and be amazed. Plus you can snort derisively at the horrific ad copy. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Commentary

Thanks a lot, I`ll have nightmares and naseau for ages (limited edition vomit for sale here). The world is truly a scary place, the people who purchase that crap are actually allowed to and encouraged to vote, drive cars and have offspring. My wife and I spent a very entertaining afternoon in Phnom Penh in the “art” stores across the street from the national museum, I now assume that this is where Thom got his grounding in subtle good taste.

posted by jc, Oct 17 04 5:47 AM

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